I Hate Guitar Hero

Ever been to a Guitar Hero competition? You know, the public ones held in the ghetto part of town that has a weekly drive-by? That's where I went last night. Since we couldn't get ahold of drugs, a couple friends and I headed up to the local barber shop for a virtual jam session, minus the sex, drugs and rock and roll that real talent (or prescription medication, a roofie, and a Metallica disc) will get you. While chillaxin' before the big event, I turn around, and see the backside of a beautiful young Asian woman. I hummed "Rock you like a Hurricane" in my excitement, as she slowly turned around. One look at her teeth, and the tune changed "Welcome To The Jungle". They looked like crushed Oreos, mixed in with chicklets, and chewed Skittles. Although making out with that would be disturbingly delicious, I couldn't help but feel repulsed, as she smiled in our direction. After a few racial slurs, the typical "Guitar Hero" crowd started to arrive. Anyone who's been to the Wal-Mart Game Section lately should know what I'm talking about. But just in case you live under a rock, I'll make a list.

The Prep

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Bio: This bi-sexual person frequents stores such as Hollister, and Aeropostal, and is usually accompanied by six or more amazingly hot high school girls wherever he goes. He wears overly-tight clothing in order to showcase his toned bod, but nobody gives a crap, since his equally Mall-Obsessed, and uber hot girlfriend's rack is draped over his face.

Interests: The Mall, MTV, Reality Television, secretly guys.

Conclusion: If I were him, I'd be spending less time mastering my Guitar Hero skills, and more time trying to convince his girlfriend to participate in some multiplayer co-op action. His poor life decisions will only ensure his destiny: In five to ten years, he'll be bagging my groceries, eagerly awaiting a promotion that will never come.

The Wannabe

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Bio: A high school freshman eager to rise to popularity. His favorite band is Coheed and Cambria, but he also likes bands such as Good Charlotte, and Sum41. He's a quiet one, probably a future pedophile, and single-handedly defines the term "Douche". The only thing that blows more than his Guitar Hero skills, is my last date, who left me with a fake phone number, and a mysterious rash.

Interests: Stupid bands like Green Day, he and his dad's secret party's, Harry Potter.

Conclusion: Twenty bucks says he'll turn out better than me, pass school with flying colors, become a Harvard Graduate, Marry a Trophy wife, and become a huge success in the business world. But all that won't change the fact that he sucks at Guitar Hero.

The Follower

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Bio: This type of person is quick to jump onto the wagon of the next popular thing. His musical interests are often defined by television networks such as MTV and FUSE. Usually between the ages of 14 and 25, this type of person enjoys singing the songs as he plays, can't maintain a relationship for more than a month, and has a long-standing crush on the lead singer of Evanescence.

Interests: My Chemical Romance, Wii, Anime, "TXTing", Desperate Housewives, the latest craze.

Conclusion: I could take him.

And so the games begin.

First up, the stupid track "Mississippi Queen". This song sucks, I never play it, and anyone who likes it should be shot. Captain McDouchebag next to me is busy missing every other note, while trying to act like he knows what he's doing. Not only did I basically play with my eyes shut, but I could have beaten the kid with my toes. Next, it's me and a random noob, who promptly shoves his size 6 up my butt. The one track I never play. Who in the world knows CLIFFS OF DOVER? 

"Oh, I'm going to go home and play CL1FF5 0F D0V3R LOL!".

After swallowing a foot-long, the games continue without us, as the random noob takes on The Prep (who's slaughtered everyone he played.) The noob got kicked hard in the whammy bar, and suffered a poor third place. The prep and his six-girl crew accept the first prize: A new, used guitar, valued at $49.99. Odds are since he can't play it, he'll sell it on eBay. But I'm determined to get the last laugh: I'll win the auction, have him ship the item, and leave him bad feedback; tarnishing his perfect reputation, and causing him to slit his wrists and die. In conclusion: I win. :D