The Infamous UPS Sales Slogan

So there I was, beasting my schoolwork, working on what would be a guaranteed A+, when suddenly, a UPS commercial comes on. It was typical queer BS, about how they're the number one service ever, and you're gay if you use anything else. But their slogan caught my attention: "What can Brown do for you?". After giving it some serious thought, I came up with a small list of possibilities, of what brown is good for.

1. Peel your wallpaper.

2. Attract the opposite sex.

3. Stain your good shorts.

4. Cause you to miss a meeting.

5. Ruin your reputation.

6. Make your job as a janitor more frustrating.

7. Heat your home.

8. Clog your intestines.

9. Cause your packages to arrive late.

10. Hip-Hop.

11. An excellent prank.

12. Substitute catfood.

13. A Paperweight.

14. The environment.

15. Waterbomb.

16. Revenge against a landlord.

17. Two Girls, One Cup.

18. Chocolate Pudding.

19. Chocolate Rain.

20. Lincoln Logs.

21. Tonka Truck Debris. (Made in China)

22. Car Fuel.

23. Dessert.

24. This Blog.

25. One large mess.

I encourage you and your friends to try any or all of the methods listed, on the condition that if you do so, you'll send me photos worth publishing. Now get out there, and make some brown!

COPS - Local Edition

I had a freakin' episode of COPS right outside of my bedroom window last Saturday. It started out as a typical Saturday afternoon: rotting in front of the computer, when out of the blue, my mother frantically kicked down my door. At first, I thought she was just trying to catch me browsing porn CNN, but she quickly diverted my attention to my bedroom window. Instead of witnessing a gang rape, or an automobile accident (like I always do when I look out my window), I noticed a pulled over vehicle, and a single police car. I thought very little of it, until three additional police cars, and a canine unit arrived on scene. 

The dog promptly went to town on the vehicle, causing them to search the car. 'Lo and behold, Officer Dick Head tossed what I want to believe was a single bag of marijuana, on the roof of the car, and the Wild Snorlax was cuffed, and hauled off in a police car. All but two officers remained at the scene, who took ten whole minutes to wrap up their debate over the best donut shops. All in all, it was a pretty interesting afternoon, and I can only hope (and pretty much guarantee) that one day, I can turn on the TV, and see my house in the background, while police cuff and search a man.